Two funerals and (0) weddings

I woke in the dark, disoriented and let the darkness momentarily blind and engulf me. It was dinner time and I could hear dishes clanging and chairs pulling downstairs but I lay still. I allowed the realization to set in and contemplated the overwhelming hollowness, the intertwined new and old pain searing in my heart, the importance of families, the fragility of life and come what may after. I miss her. I miss my mum. I miss her violently.

Grandma's funeral was grand. Many came to pay their last respects and as with all funerals, it was heart wrenching. I was prepared to let Grandma go, I had accepted mortality in its full force few years ago. But what I was not prepared for was how much it brought me back to her.

I felt the stab in my heart when I saw my mum's name bracketed on the obituary notice which denotes the person is deceased. I was mum's representative as it is the daughter's duty to last pull the drape over the mother's body before the closing of the casket and my tears poured. There is nothing more beautiful than the mother-daughter bond in this world. I love my mum and she loved her mum and I love Grandma and we are all daughters of love in this fleeting cycle of life.

I saw them so clearly in my mind. Mum and grandma. I saw every wrinkle and twinkle and I heard their interacting voices, every dent of intonation, every nuance of expression and I imagined their voices floating away, like an echo fading. I could not hold it anymore. Will I ever stop missing them?

My mum's sister spoke of how their hearts were bleeding at mum's funeral. She was wrong about mine. My heart was hemorrhaging. I was in so much pain that my heart was physically aching. Every breath I took was sharp to the lungs and I remember dying inside when they closed mum's casket. The sealing of the casket is a most traumatizing experience for the living. Every nail knocked in is a hammer of the steel truth of life; into the heart of loved ones, sealing into it a sense of finality, of an eternity of separation beyond life.

Mum, I miss you miss you miss you. I wish you knew how much I love you. I never brought myself to say those three words to you and when I finally did, you have already drifted halfway. I was too late. I really want you to know that I love you and that being your daughter is the biggest and proudest achievement in my life. Rest in peace, mum. Rest in peace, popo. I will forever be your loving daughter and granddaughter.