22 February 2009

Two funerals and (0) weddings

I woke in the dark, disoriented and let the darkness momentarily blind and engulf me. It was dinner time and I could hear dishes clanging and chairs pulling downstairs but I lay still. I allowed the realization to set in and contemplated the overwhelming hollowness and the intertwined new and old pain searing in my heart. I miss her. I miss my mum. I miss her violently.

Grandma's funeral was grand. Many came to pay their last respects and as with all funerals, it was heart wrenching. I was prepared to let Grandma go, I had dealt with the blow of mortality in its full force few years ago but what I was not prepared for was how much it brought me back to her.

I felt the all too familiar stab in my heart when I saw mum's name in bracket on the obituary notice which denotes the person as deceased. I was mum's representative to last pull the drape over grandma's body before the closing of the casket and my tears poured. There is nothing more beautiful than the mother-daughter bond in this world. I love my mum and she loved her mum and Grandma loved me and we are all daughters of love in this fleeting circle of life.

I closed my eyes and saw them. Mum and grandma. I saw every wrinkle and twinkle and I heard their interacting voices, every dent of intonation, every nuance of expression and I imagined their voices fading away like an echo. I clawed, I thrashed wildly and I screamed inside but its futile like cupping water with your hand, you hold on to it for as long as you can before it inevitably seeps through the lines and crevices of your grasp. I could not hold it in anymore. Will I ever stop missing them?

My aunt spoke of how their hearts were bleeding at mum's funeral. She was wrong about mine. My heart was hemorrhaging.  Every breath I took shred my lungs like paper and a big part of me died that day when they closed mum's casket. The sealing of the casket is a most traumatizing experience for those left behind. Every nail knocked in, with each sound louder than life sealing into it a sense of finality, of separation beyond what we can not even begin to comprehend. We mortals will never be spared from the merciless swings of the ax of life.

Mum, I miss you miss you miss you. I wish you knew how much I love you. I never brought myself to say those three words to you and when I finally did, you have drifted halfway. I was too late or was I? I really need you to know that I love you and that being your daughter is the biggest and proudest achievement of my life. Rest in peace, mum. Rest in peace, popo.

From your forever loving daughter and granddaughter.

21 February 2009

R.I.P, Grandma

How ironic is that my previous post is about the celebration of the joys of birth and life while this post will be about my grandma's departure from life.

Grandma left us at 3:30pm on the 19th February 2009 at the age of 91. We had prepared ourselves for the inevitable as her health had been drastically deteriorating in the past few years and have been bedridden for a while. She had suffered from multiple stroke attacks and her organs collapsed and lost their functions one after another. Grandma fought a long hard battle and letting her go was love and mercy on the part of those who loved her and are proud of her.

I am anguished at how little I know of grandma. All I know about her is that she was born during the first world war in 1918 in dapu county, guangdong province, China and was sold to my grandpa's family at the age of 13 as a child bride. She married grandpa at the age of 16 and had 5 remarkable children and many grandchildren and great grandchildren.

After losing her husband, my grandpa at the age of 76, she went to live with her children and traveled to many countries with them. She went to Perth with us in 1994 and I remember her going in the adventure park too, which of course she couldn't go on any rides. But she did go on one of those slow, crawling monorails kenyit

Grandma had all the traits of a Hakka woman. Fierce, independent and strong. From my mother's childhood stories, I learned that Grandma was a strict parent, almost authoritarian and was relentless and fiercely protective in the upbringing of her children, wanting the best for them. She did however, raise her children well despite the lack of formal education herself. All her children turned out successful in life and came to love and respect her and took great care of her until the last moment. She couldn't have hoped for better children.

Grandma cooked the best authentic Hakka cuisine which we all looked forward to every Chinese New Year. From my childhood memories, Grandma visited us frequently as we lived a walking distance away. And she would always come to our place after squabbling with grandpa and she never once failed to bring me and my siblings a pack of Ligo's raisins. Until today, we would think of Grandma whenever we see ligo's raisins on the supermarket shelf.

Grandma and mum conversed in Hakka and somehow, I understood the dialect without ever picking it up. And I would smile to myself whenever Grandma asked mum if we had been good and of course we were angel. Mum, being the ever filial daughter would insist on giving grandma her monthly allowance and grandma would insist on not taking it. So, the war would begin and me and sis would look at the ang pow being forcefully shoved from one to another. Most often, sis and I would just sit back, amused and watch them do their mother-daughter thing. Of course, it would always end up mum winning and the ang pow would end up in the unhappy hands of grandma.

Grandma would accept the ang pow very reluctantly but she had her ways of putting it back into the 'economy'. You see, besides good old Ligo's raisins, Grandma would give us ang pows whenever she came to stay with us. So, it wasn't hard to imagine how delighted we were to have her stay over (yes, we were greedy greedy children) Compared to mum, sis and I were a lot less subtle, we would say 'aiya, no need la, no need la you keep for yourself la' while already pocketing it duit

Then we moved to our new place in Klang and saw less of Grandma. But, she would come stay with us for a period of time once in a while. Sis and I would take turns giving up our beds for grandma and sleep on the mattress on the floor. And how often we laughed when grandma break wind during her sleep (it became our inside joke after a while). Our other inside joke was that we would both stand by each side of grandma and hoist her up from the underarms so that we could walk faster and not have to wait for grandma with her slow footsteps gelakguling (we NEVER did that, don't worry). More often, me and sis would mock grandma's long winded tendencies. She would repeat the same thing not once, not twice, but up to five times (which we likened to a broken record playing over and over again) and we would end up laughing hysterically as we finished her sentences for her since we already knew what she was about to say.

Whenever grandma called on the phone for mum, her first words were always her trademark LOUD 'EH, WHO ARE YOU?' and we would have to spend the next ten minutes explaining who we were and our relation to our mum and sometimes we were so naughty that we would mess with her. Although we often amused ourselves with grandma's antics, we actually enjoyed having her around and always invited her to come stay again. We would always be by her side holding her hands while crossing the roads or walking down the stairs even though her jelly like wrinkled hand felt very geli in mine jelir

Admittedly, we spent less time with her as we grew older, with more of life demanding commitments from us. (Grandma was also the one who funded my tertiary education which I could never fully express the depth of my gratitude in my lifetime). I was especially reluctant to see her after mum's passing as we kept it from her (Grandma got really upset and had a stroke after learning her other daughter, my aunt had a stroke and we decided it was for the best to keep the tragic news from her). Often, she would ask about my mum and it would pain me to see how much she missed her daughter and how she longed to see her again.

I am sad about grandma's departure but also relieved that her sufferings had come to an end. I believe she is in a better place now and reunited with grandpa and mum. I feel there is nothing to be too sad about because she had a good, long 91 years on earth and had great children, grandchildren and great grandchildren. She had great stories, had traveled the world and had loved and been loved. She was a remarkable woman, she was tepuktangan

Rest in peace, grandma. You will be remembered forever.



17 February 2009

The gene of goodness

It is a known fact among my friends that I have never had much maternal instincts. I was even infamously quoted saying "I prefer puppies over babies anytime any day" and "I'd sterilize my future husband before marriage" hah Now, before you psycho people start analyzing my relationship with my mother, let me tell you that I had the world's greatest relationship with the world's greatest mum (she is no longer with us and there's not a single day in my life that I don't miss her). And it is neither that I have bad experiences with babies, its just that I don't think I have in me the capacity and patience to care for and love a crying/pooping machine baby. And, I was so often put off by the rush of female affection and attention whenever a baby is in presence. I would cringe when all the other females fuss and coo over something which I clearly couldn't see what the fuss was about. To me, they were just crying/pooping/milk vomiting/screaming miniature humans who couldn't understand a word I was saying and to communicate with them, I would have to condescend myself to ooh ooh ah ah in my nauseating baby voice. And the females with their overflowing estrogen were just a silly act to me gile, seeing them pull out every trick they've got just to see the baby smile.

But of late, I found myself talking about my baby niece to anyone who would care to listen, even imposing in some manners banyakckp. I found myself looking at her pictures all the time and smiling to myself at the thought of her baby antics.


My baby niece, Qian Qian is almost 5 months old now (she was born on the 23rd September 2008, a Libran just like me). And is the cutest little thing in the world. She gets her big eyes and round cheeks from her father and has the pudgiest little arms and legs. She has this constant quizzical look and makes the cutest, unintelligible sounds that brings a smile to my face every time. She is moody as she'd look at me and give me her toothless smile (sometimes she even scoffs with a loud HA! before turning away to hide her face) and the next minute, she'd frown and threaten to cry, then its back to smiling again.

See the quizzical look?


She is often restless and kicks her legs so strongly and we'd tease that another dancer has been born in the family. You wait, baby Qian Qian, Aunt Viv shall personally train you to be the world's best dancer/gymnast when you are older. When she's lying on her back, my sis in law would say turn and she would somehow understand and start rolling from side to side (she's quite fast now). Last week, we even put her in the baby pool (which I use for sunbathing in my backyardmalu) which she enjoyed so much and was giggling and kicking her legs in the water. So, I am getting her one.

And when I look at people fussing and cooing over her, I feel only a swell of pride that people love and adore her. Sis in law and even dad would put on their baby voices to play with her and in a bizarre way, watching them do so makes me love them even more. I suppose having a baby in the family does change and bring people together.


Handsome Daddy


Beautiful Mommy


Cutesy Pie Qian Qian


People often say I look like my brother


And since Qian Qian looks like her daddy...


Does that mean she looks like me?

Yes, mock all you want but I LOVE my baby niece love . Guess the baby hater is taking a break although as of now, I still don't want to have my own babies but who knows? I have just taken a big step from hating babies to loving my baby niece unconditionally.

Welcome to the family, baby Qian and I am going to be the most kick ass aunt ever!menari