So You Think You Can Dance

So You Think You Can Dance Malaysia Season 2 has finally wrapped up on the 1st August 2008 after months of auditions and live shows. A new star is born (congrats to CC who happens to be my housemate :)and the season ended with a bang. I feel very honored to have been part of the top 20 contestants of the show this year but in many ways, I am also relieved that its over and it is now time to move on and search for new directions and priorities in life.

My appearance on the show was brief as I was most unfortunately, the first female contestant eliminated. Luck truly was not on my side when my partner pulled Tango out of the hat for our genre for the first week. My forte is in Ballet/Contemporary/Jazz/Lyrical/Gymnastics and I have also been trained in Salsa/Street Latin/Street Jazz and Hip Hop. Anything from the ballroom genre would have been my kryptonite and it so happened that I picked Tango when my partner and I had not even established a close connection. The differences in our physique probably even made the whole performance agonizing to watch. I accept my defeat as the performance was severely passionless, void and clumsy even.

I was devastated when I left the show. I thought I'd never be happy again. For the past two years, the only thing that kept me going in life was the hope of making it to the top 20 and I did, but it ended even before it had really sunk in. I was crushed and sad at first to leave the show and the rest then I was disappointed that I did not get to work with any of the choreographers I had been hoping to work with and that I did not get to show Malaysia what I am capable of. And after feelings of sadness and disappointment subsided, I started feeling angry at myself for screwing the best thing that has ever happened to me then I started feeling angry at everything (the music, the choreography, the audiences, the judges, the producers, the costume etc), then I started feeling guilty for being angry. And after all the emotional roller coaster which all took place within two weeks, I woke up one day and it was like poof, I went back to being normal and happy again, as if none of these has ever happened.

It has been an experience for sure. There have been ups and downs. I can't articulate the whole of my experience on the show in a blogpost. I would not say it was the most amazing experience ever nor was it a bad experience, but it was an experience and I am just grateful to have had this chapter in my life.

Second Chance

I tried to sleep but failed miserably and so thought I should update this just so you all know that it is still alive. I doubt I will be getting any sleep tonight and tonight's the night when I desperately need that good rest. The audition for So You Think You Can Dance Season 2 is tomorrow. It begins in 9 hours time. Articulating how I feel exactly has become a task impossible but I will try. The days of butterflies in my stomach have long gone. Replaced is a thousand stampeding raging killer bulls in me, or a tsunami crashing to the shore. I hyperventilate and I feel dizzy. Wave after wave of panic attacks are becoming more frequent.

This is my second chance at proving my worth, at proving how wrong some people were about me, at telling my story, at letting people see for themselves what I am capable of, at conveying just how passionate I am as a dancer. This means everything to me. There is no way I can possibly tell you just how much this means to me.

I will probably be devastated in less than 24 hours and I am not prepared for it. No, I am not ready for another rejection. But, I believe it is better to have tried and failed (even more than once) than not try at all.