There there, bear bear

I made my 8 year old stepsister cry the other day. And it upset me tremendously seeing her weep like that. It was all my fault and I take full responsibility for it.

You see, dad's girlfriend and 2 daughters moved in with us last month and although I welcome them fully with a happy heart and sincerely see them as family, I also look back at my privacy with nostalgia now. Gone are the days of enjoyed solitude, of personal bliss. My room, my sanctuary, my haven of meditation, contemplation and inspiration, my safety port from the world and its volatility has been 'infiltrated' with the constant presence of childish laughter, innocence and acts of rummaging through my belongings. Don't get me wrong, I love my stepsisters-to-be but I am a creature of habit and I am fiercely protective of the privacy and the little me time that I have.

So, they were at it again the other day and I was feeling frustrated as I really wanted to clear some thoughts. And so I playfully hoisted her over my shoulder and 'threw' her out of the room but she came back laughing, wanting more. And a moment of sheer brilliance came to me. I ran into her room, took her favorite teddy bear and flung it down the stairs to see her chasing after it.

The victim, bear bear

The scene of crime

This is how it looked

I thought she was laughing at first until I felt something was not quite right. It was then I realized she was standing at the bottom of the stairs, clutching to the bear and crying and guilt overwhelmed me like waves washing over the shores. The level of guilt I felt was not dissimilar to as if I had just murdered a child. I had intended it as a playful act but then I remembered Kafin.

I had a teddy bear named Kafin when I was 9. I named it Kafin Lim Jia Shin (if you are wondering about the last name, that would be the last name of the boy I had a crush on then and thought I'd marry him) and I loved it unconditionally. Kafin and I were inseparable. I would go to school missing it and I would come home and run to it first thing afraid that my maid had thrown it out or that it had missed me or was 'hungry'. I never had imaginary friends but I saw Kafin as more than a bear. Kafin was my best friend and my 'daughter' and I took pride in taking care of her. I would buy clothes for her and would talk to Kafin everyday (with me mimicking a high pitched voice as that of Kafin's voice). Kinda creepy now that I think of it. It is almost like Norman Bates and 'Mother' :P

And, my brother had a very naughty habit of bullying my toys, especially Kafin. He knew how much I loved it and it gave him morbid pleasure in torturing it. I would cry hours whenever he punched Kafin or thrashed her around. I remember once he accidentally stained her with some yellow antibacterial cream and I couldn't stop crying, thinking that my precious Kafin being no longer snowy white was the biggest injustice I had ever known.

Eventually I outgrew Kafin, just like any adult would outgrow their toys. But the episode with my stepsister brought back memories of it and I do not think her childish attachment with her bear is silly because I know firsthand how genuine that love could be, even for a teddy bear. So, I am really really sorry, my little sister. I won't bully your bear anymore, I promise. See how much fun bear bear and I are having? :)